ZettaiBlog 346: Cacophonic Catchphrase Caller

WARNING: BECAUSE OF REASONS I MUST TELL EVERYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 TO GET OUT OF MY BLOG! OBEY OR I’LL BE DEFENESTRATED! ALSO BE WARY OF WILD ROAMING SPOILERS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED! Welcome back. Last time we squared off against Natsumi and defeated her with smarts. That made us 1/3 closer to keeping Umi from being killed. Sadly we still have two evil little girls to get through. : Good recap. Thanks. : Don’t forget we still have inflated asses! My legs hurt… : As long I’m around they will remain that way. So they’re not permanent? Boo hoo… : I will eat a lot of food to grow my ass this big naturally! Thank you for that! Raika, you are the best assistant! With emphasis on the ass part! : They forgot about us once again… : Kirayaba! This is totally unfair! My show paid attention to ME all the time! Well, this isn’t your show but my blog and you are following my rules instead. : Yes, how about you two quit being evil? I realized this is not the good life. : Zettai hates me so I will stand against him no matter what! : And I will imitate her in every way! : Maybe I should send them to the next dimension? Nobody dies in this blog. I mean permanently. : Good think we don’t have to replace them with barfing clones. I did enough barfing with their terrible shows, thank you very much. : Kagayaki no Jewel isn’t too bad, other than the Poochie over there. And Star Twinkle is still better than the previous two seasons. Fair point. Still, the main problem is these two girls! Boo terrible little girls! : Especially ones that want to kill me for being a Twitter seems like! True that. Who wants to get beaten first? : I’m going now! I shall defeat you for I’m none other than… : Cure Star? Star like the your season’s title has? : Yes! : And Hikaru means “to twinkle” like your title again? : Yes? What are you getting at with that? : Just that your season is named “Pink Cure Pink Cure PreCure” and that’s beyond ridiculous… : Kirayaba! That’s because little girls adore pink and hate other colors! Especially blue and green! : Hey! : Same! Looks like Toei’s ideas have gotten to her just like that. Blogging her down will be an act of mercy then. : Like you can talk me to defeat when WE are the ones doing that! : I thought you were legendary warriors? : Shush. Body Hair Hikaru has pink hair. You know that in PreCure this is the mark of a crappy character, and Hikaru is no exception either. She has twintails which fits her childish nature. When transformed in Cure Star the hair grows longer and the girl gets planet hair accessories. However, this is all marred by the single worst thing any girl could do ever with hair; she gets a fucking haircut in the finale. Worse, two other girls do too which means this terrible franchise has done in two years more haircuts than Monogatari in eight and that’s just offensive. People into haircuts should get their genitals chopped off, seeing how they like things being cut so damn much. Fuck this disgusting garbage. Score: 5 Eyes Hikaru has pink eyes. Unlike for hair pink for eyes is pretty nice, and matching her hair and clothes helps. The shape is tareme which fits well. Her only really good trait, really. Score: 8.5 Build Hikaru is not bad. Typical Cure flat chest and slender body and whatnot. Sadly she’s tainted for having an adult form in the finale. Fuck GoPri for creating that awful trend, and really fuck GoPri in general for being trash. Score: 7 Butt Hikaru never shows ass. Parents would complain if she did an Oshiri Punch but not for goddamned haircuts. I’ll never forgive the Japanese parents associations. Score: 1 Clothes Hikaru is alright here. Her default clothes are an overall and a pink shirt, which is kinda dull. She has the occasional alternate outfit, like the Santa clothes and Halloween cosplay and those help. Cure Star looks frilly and not very fighty, and has the horrible foam bloomers that look like shit. Love how parents complained about spats when spats were already there to avoid pantyshots to begin with. Censor the censorship! If only the parents would complain about the pink Cures being so annoying and unlikable half the time nowadays. Score: 6 Mind Personality Hikaru is terrible here. Basically she’s into stars and UMA and the occult because she wants to be a character from 1999 anime and doesn’t have many friends, presumably because she’s loud and insufferable. This changes the day that she meets Lala the cute alien girl and the two become friends, then Cures who have to gather twelve Pens to save “twelve” space princesses nobody likes and prevent the universe from being destroyed. Another three girls join too but they get crap for screentime because they aren’t pink enough. Hikaru faces being lonely except we never see her feel lonely and eventually “defeats” or rather talks down the final boss and the universe gets saved for good. For the finale the girl has become an astronaut with little foreshadowing. And that’s all really. The problem is the personality. As said all over the blog Hikaru acts like a little kid, being loud and selfish and acting without thinking and just giving everyone trouble. She never grows out of this and the series favors the girl way too much, with the easy example being the episode where they get the first combination attack which has the villains going “Hikaru sucks ass” and the other Cures go “No she rocks our collective socks” even though until now the Cures barely know her and she’s been annoying and obnoxious most of the time already. She also cares way too much about Fuwa the annoying baby mascot of the season, probably more than for anyone else because terrible characters must stick together. Overall there’s nothing good about Hikaru and she encapsulates the worst of pink Cures much unlike Mirai has the best traits. Insert Twins joke here. Score: 1 Reception Hikaru is terrible again. She hogs the spotlight big time, especially in the first half and the finale but even beyond that she gets way too much focus. Also there are four eyecatches and she’s in all of them while the other four girls are in two each, she gets the intro, she appears in the episode title, she says the previews, and the previews in the official site are written from her point of view too. Seriously, Toei, make a series with just one girl who wears pink all the damn time if you’re going to have such ridiculous Pink Cure Bias time and time again. Worse, after Lala who deserves the love Hikaru is the second most popular Cure and fans give her praise and love except clearly she hasn’t earned any of that crap. Screw this horrible girl. Score: 0 Libido Hikaru shows none. She might have a little yuri with Lala but that’s all really. At least she’s no sex hater. Score: 5 Age Hikaru is in middle school. But the timeskip fucks this. Fuck GoPri again for this. Score: 7 Voice Eimi Naruse could be better with a better role. Sadly Hikaru is loud and obnoxious, and has an annoying catchphrase in “KIRAYABAAAAAAAA” that gets spammed all the time. Stop talking please. Score: 3 Total: 43.5 - Failed : Figured I would score low, but this is really low! Kirayaba! And it should have been even lower! You are the second worst Cure in the franchise! : Only Haruka is worse and because she’s ungodly awful. : And you’re trying to kill me and that’s bad too! : So much for all little girl anime fans liking overfavored leads… What, think I’m your run-of-the-mill viewer that fanboys over Ichigo and Mana just like that? Get out. : Will Ichigo even appear as a blog villain? Nah, while biased by both fans and writers the girl has a decent personality. : Whatever! Now come back to ME the star of the show! Geddit? Star! You’re more of a black hole actually. : She really sucks? : Nobody wants to approach her for safety? : Hogs all the spotlight? All valid answers. : Kirayaba! You’re being mean! : Hikaru, toss in your challenge and finish this glittery farce! : That was Smile from a long time ago… : Farce. I said farce. : Same thing! But you are correct. Zettai! Let’s fight now! About time! ANGER- : Not like that! Instead… Heard there’s one of these UMAs near here. Spain doesn’t have UMAs unless Galindo counts and he died last year. : Not that one! Kirayaba! Heard there’s a tsuchinoko over here! What, is this the Dark Cave for some reason? : I don’t get that… : Just smile and nod. : This isn’t a cave to begin with. But you can enter them if you really want. Still, whoever fins the tsuchinoko first wins! : This is really absurd… Indeed. But let’s go look around. Maybe we’ll find a snake that ate an elephant unless hipsters ruined that reference. : What? *time passes* : Well? Did you find the tsuchinoko? Actually, yes! : WHAT? But they don’t exist sadly and- I mean kirayaba! Show me the proof! Sure! Tsuchinoko, come forth! *another girl appears* : I’m a tsuchinoko Friend and came here from Japari Park to get some peace… : And here I was expecting a silly alien… Fine then, guess you pass this! Yay! : Only one more… : That’s right and I won’t have mercy! But that’s next week! : …Boo!