i deleted my other posts on the matter out of annoyance so let me reiterate
i look back on it a year later as the thing that triggered a domino effect that allowed me to go off my meds and call myself defunct and stupid for doing so. weak and feeble, and i realize that's exactly what they wanted me to think, they took advantage of my weakness by harassing me where they knew it'd sting the most and made my frankly shitty family lose trust in me further, and i spiraled out of control, nobody could see how bad i was cracking at the seams and i ultimately shattered into fucking pieces. i dropped out of classes at school, lashed out at a professor, and almost died by my own hands multiple times, if i wasn't doing that then i was marring up my own skin. very many times, oh so many times.
and it's taken a long time to get even remotely close to where i was before this happened to me, when i was already suffering in other ways. i am still to some degree suffering and i think i will always have a little bit of suffering inside me. it's just how i am.
never did i claim to be a perfect person, only that i was really hurt and disgusted by the disproportionate effect of the event that happened to me on MY LIFE. and how it took the longest time to come and admit it in public, as i was racked with fear as to the idea that something would happen to me. i am not scared anymore. i am not scared of lowly harassers anymore.
thank you for your concerns about what happened to me, i appreciate them, whether i responded to your message or not. fuck it all because now i know... i did not, will not, and never will deserve to be bullied by people even lowlier than me at my worst.
and if you ever have the same thing happen to you, put up a fight against it and don't be afraid to call it out, because if youd tried your best to end it, or were tired of the situation, then you have in all respects, every right to voice your concerns, and fuck anyone who says otherwise. if you keep having to deal with the bullshit on the constant then you voice your fucking concerns, fuck it.
i wouldn't say i'm angry anymore, i'm blissful i survived the thing that tried so hard to bury me. do i still bear the brunt and burden of it, yeah, sometimes i do, do i still fucking think about the fact that they could be out there harassing someone else, and my buried guilt in letting them possibly get away? yes. does that mean there's anything i can do? no. and all i can do, is for myself, make people remember as a cautionary tale and as a personal anecdote, that you should not sacrifice the sanctity of your mental health to allow people on the fucking internet to try and manipulate and take advantage of your vulnerability.
and people aren't what they seem, even if on the surface they seem rotten, pretentious, dumb, or silly, there might be capable malice there. you don't really ever know. to witness people either pretend to escalate their behavior or actually escalate it to the point of flailing desperation and vicious absurdity is a sight to behold for the worse. so the point is to never trust anyone too much, let alone a group of people, without knowing theyll turn heel on you the moment you voice concern against someone they're biased to more than you. you never know when things will go south, so it's best to keep them contained to safe places.
good thing i've found safer, comfortable places. and i'm both content and discontented, as i forever may as well be. i just wanna reiterate without explicitly restating the entire story, that when the year after has surpassed me, i wont forget what happened, and i dont think people should entirely forget, not to let it linger like a cancer, but for it to serve as a lesson, because the internet can be a toxic wasteland and you should not let it get the better of you.
↧