One of the last major interactions I had within the anime fandom was with a politically correct philosopher/intellectual nicknamed NavyCherub. Sometime around late 2012, this person claimed he would help me out and even be a friend on the heels of something he felt "bad" for happening to me. Being extremely insecure for the time, I was taken aback by this act of kindness since I don't receive much of that in my life at all. His fancy wording and interesting viewpoints would also easily pull me into becoming his supposed friend.
It wasn't meant to be. If it ever was a thing, to begin with anyway.
Over the next nearly five years or so, it would be relatively one-sided hideous psychological abuse in the form of belittling and lecturing me for my immaturity and underwhelming intelligence. Not entirely willing to cut me off as a loose end, I would desperately try to curry favor or acknowledgment through proving I improved or genuinely learned about the better aspects of life. Every once in a while, he would approve and, being an insecure loner (or asshole in his words), I wanted more of this faint praise to instinctively feel better about myself. I had practically zero self-esteem and was nearly suicidal to illustrate my state of mind.
A relationship like this is inevitably going to boil over into tensions, and I would hold the lion's share of responsibility for the ensuing abuse over the last several years. I would inevitably lash out in inappropriate ways due to emotional instability leaking over from feeling so inadequate. After almost a decade, it all anticlimactically ended when this person declared the years meant nothing to him and that I was useless garbage indistinguishable from the billions of faceless internet assholes he encountered. He would then sever all ties with me.
Suffering Stockholm Syndrome-like issues, I would genuinely apologize countless times over but was brutally rejected and warned to cease and desist with grave seriousness.
The halfway decent outcome of this was I did develop a much better, mature mindset and genuine set of political beliefs on life. Even if they were initially just pasted from NavyCherub without me really believing in much of it, I would come to grip with it for real eventually. I also became much more observant of people's personalities regardless of anonymity, and am very cautious with what I say or may say.
On the negative side, I have likely become a sociopath of the unfeeling kind. I rarely look people in the eyes anymore and genuinely feel empty, almost always avoiding human interaction out of paranoia or feeling I will be betrayed again. Time and time again I have tried to make friends, but everything feels superficial now; as if I am only looking to find people to talk over or dump my inner turmoil on.
↧